I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Never underestimate the power of titties
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
