Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Will exercising make me less horny?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
