i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I look better un-naked...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
