im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
