I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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