i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
