I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
