So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
