She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
