I cockslap morals
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
