Apparently you make a good broom.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
