I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
