Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
