my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
