OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
