just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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