She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Im part way to drunk.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize