you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
