Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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