i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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