I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
