i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
soo... how was my night?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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