I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
