Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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