I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
