i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
