I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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