As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
