she woke up with a sticky ear
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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