He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
