If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
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