my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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