I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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