I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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