dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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