so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
