Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
