I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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