Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
