I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I have already put on my inside pants.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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