My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
