Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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