i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
