It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Terrible idea I love it
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
