He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
you are never too drunk for berry picking
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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