You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
did i walk over a car last night?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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