My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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