It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
