Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
