Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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