he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
There r osticjed everywhere
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
