LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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