all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
