I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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