I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
