shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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