i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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