you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
