Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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