my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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