after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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