i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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