Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
