I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
