also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
