Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
