Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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