hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
